Being a Good Listener
The following is an updated version and reposted. Originally created for Guiding Principles for Advocates, download the latest version here written by Andrew Oliver
Good listening is key to any great relationship. When the person you are in a relationship with is constantly misunderstood by others, good listening is vital. People with developmental disabilities often lose personal agency over their lives when people in more powerful social positions make assumptions about what they want rather than listening to what they are really trying to communicate. To be an effective advocate and friend, it is critical to be a good listener.
Here are a few general guidelines for good listening and communication. Many of these guidelines are also helpful for those who cannot or do not choose to talk.
1. Words that are spoken
It is common that we cannot follow when people talk because we already have our own line of thought preoccupying our mind. Instead, we must quiet our minds so that we can hear and take in what is being said.
Listen attentively. Be patient and wait for the person to finish, rather than correcting or speaking for the person. Try not to interrupt.
Speak directly to the person you are listening to, rather than around them. Avoid communicating through a family member or service worker who may be present.
Don't be afraid to ask questions. Never pretend to understand when you are having difficulty doing so. Instead, repeat what you have understood and allow the person to respond to clarify and finish.
2. Words held back
It's not only important to ask questions to simply clarify what was said, but to ask questions that sparks curiosity and insight. This lets the person know that you not only hear the words they're saying but that you want to explore more of the topic with them. This is just what makes for a good conversation!
As long as the person being listened to feels supported and respected, don’t be afraid to challenge or disagree; that's also what makes good conversation and will enrich your relationship.
The better a listener you are, the more likely the person being listened to will feel safe with you and open up more, and be more open to your suggestions.
3. Words unuttered but lie in the heart
Be okay with silence and the awkward feelings it might provoke. Allowing time and space to connect, and relate emotionally might bring out a gesture, a word, or even intuition on a given situation that you will miss if you are busy filling in the space to avoid uncomfortable feelings. Patience is key.
Talking is only one form of communication, other forms include:
Gestures
Emotions and moods
Behaviors
Facial expressions
Signs, signing, signals
Sounds
Reading and writing
Use of pictures, drawings, and other visual aids.
(Joe Osburn & Jo Massereli)
Also, your relationship should be mutual and open. Therefore give your partner insight into your life as well. As in any healthy relationship, it should not be one-sided or condescending. This focus may help your partner feel more comfortable opening up themselves. When being vulnerable, it’s important to consider appropriate emotional boundaries, however.