Being a Good Listener
The following is an updated version of an older post. It was originally created for Guiding Principles for Advocates, download the latest version here.
Good listening is key to any great relationship. People with developmental disabilities often lose personal agency over their lives when people in more powerful positions make assumptions about what they want rather than listening to what they are really trying to say. To be an effective advocate, it is critical to be a good listener, especially when the person you are in a relationship with (partner) is constantly misunderstood by others.
Here are a few general guidelines for good listening. Many of these guidelines are also helpful for those who cannot or do not choose to talk.
Quiet Your Mind
Too often we cannot follow people when they talk because we already have our own lineup of comments preoccupying our mind. Instead, quiet your mind so that you can take in what is being said.
Listen attentively. Be patient and wait for the person to finish rather than correcting or speaking for the person. Try not to interrupt.
Speak directly to the person you are listening to rather than around them. Avoid communicating through a family member or service worker who may be present.
Don't be afraid to ask questions. If you are having difficulty understanding, repeat what you have understood and allow the person to clarify and finish his or her full statement.
“Listening is where love begins”
— Fred Rogers
Spark Curiosity and Insight
It's not only important to ask questions to simply clarify what was said, but to ask questions to spark curiosity and insight. This lets the person know that you not only hear the words they're saying, but that you want to explore more of the topic with them. This is just what makes for a good conversation!
Your relationship should be mutual and open. Give your partner insight into your life as well. As in any healthy relationship, it should not be one-sided or condescending. This focus may help your partner feel more comfortable opening up themselves.
As long as the person being listened to feels supported and respected, don’t be afraid to challenge or disagree; that's also what makes a good conversation and will enrich your relationship.
The better you are at listening, and the more willing you are to open up, the more they will feel safe with you and open up themselves.
Make Time for Silence
Allow time and space to connect and relate emotionally. It might bring out a gesture, a word, or even intuition on a given situation that you will miss if you are busy filling in the space to avoid uncomfortable feelings. It’s ok to feel awkward. It’s a part of the cost of being a good listener.
Remember, talking is only one form of communication, other forms include:
Gestures
Emotions and moods
Body language
Facial expressions
Signs, signing, signals
Sounds
Reading and writing
Use of pictures, drawings, and other visual aids
(Joe Osburn & Jo Massereli)
- Andrew